Joe J. Heck

Hi, my name is Joe J. Heck, also known as Jumius Schmaezer. I used to be Jumius, many centuries ago. You can tell because he was left-handed, and I am left-pawed. Jumius Schmaezer is also one of my favorite games to play with my Human Sister, Isobel. Isobel plays Tom Sawyer. Bob plays Huck Finn. Mom plays the Prince, and Coz plays the Pauper. Dad is The Spy. The Others all have parts, too, but there are too many of them to list. (We usually play Jumius just after the humans get done playing Authors.)

How I Came to Live with My Humans

The Human Mom and Human Dad have always thought it was a crucial part of childhood to have a small furry creature to raise and love. So in the summer of 2002, when the Human Sister was almost eight, they decided to get a kitten. They appointed July 8th, the day after they got back from vacation, as Kitten Day. On Kitten Day, they all went to the animal shelter to look for a kitten. There was only one kitten there. He had been brought to the shelter the day before and was very frightened, crouching in the back of his cage, with a stuffed animal that was bigger than he was, when they went to see him. That kitten was me, Joe J! (Actually, they were calling me 'Perry' at the shelter. What a silly name for a cat!) The Human Sister loved me, so they got me, and took me home.

When they got me home, I was still very frightened, especially because Bob wanted to kill me. But I warmed up to my humans, and once he figured that I would play with him, Bob warmed up to me.

I was very tiny, and the humans were forever losing me. One time, when I was still living in JoevilleThe humans seem to call Joeville 'the basement', the Human Sister came downstairs to play with me, but she couldn't find me anywhere. Neither could the Human Mom. The Human Dad eventually found me and took this silly picture of me sleeping in an old lampshade. Another time when they couldn't find me, I was sleeping behind the beach chairs in the mud room. Now, I'm a bigger cat, and I don't get lost so easily.

Graduation

When kitties get to be one-year old, they are supposed to graduate and become big cats. When they do, they sing this song, to the tune of "Pomp and Circumstance", like the little Bengal kitten on the right:

We're the graduating kitties,
We're wearing our gowns.
After we graduate,
We'll have supper in town!

We're the graduating kitties,
We're smarter than you.
After we graduate,
We'll all go to the zoo!

We'll visit the big cats,
And see elephant poo.
After we graduate,
We'll have plenty to do!

We're the graduating kitties,
We're wearing flat hats.
After we graduate,
We'll all be grown-up cats!

But I refused to graduate, and I refused to become a grown-up cat! I am staying a kitten! So I sung my own song:

I'm not a graduating kitty!
I'm not wearing a gown!
I'm not going to graduate!
I'm not having supper in town!

I'm not a graduating kitty!
I'm not wearing that hat!
I'm not going to graduate!
I won't ever be a grown cat!

And you can't make me! But I do want to go to the zoo (and see the elephant poo).

Bugs

One day, I was out in the humans' poor excuse for an outsideThe humans say the poor excuse for an outside is their postage-stamp sized backyard, and the Human Dad found a most wonderful thing! He gave it to the Human Sister, and she showed it to me. Guess what I did! I sniffed it, and I sniffed it, and it sniffed good! So I ate it! It was crunchy, and tasty, and I'd have a lot more of thoseThe humans say the tasty thing was a beetle. I soon found that there are lots of good things to eat in the poor excuse for an outside. Crawly ones. Flying ones. Strange little inchy ones. They're good! And fun. I have no end of fun in the poor excuse for an outside.

One day I found the biggest bugThe humans say the giant bug was a toad in the world! I watched it for a while while it was sitting. Then, the Human Dad took it away from me, because he thought that I might hurt it by accident. After a little while, it came back, and it was right behind me, but I was trying to find it where it was before.

A Wonderful Discovery

My two favorite places in the whole world are Joeville and the poor excuse for an outside. One day, I was outside, and I was sitting by a window when the Human Dad opened it from inside. I jumped through the window and knew I'd been there before. I sniffed around for a while and discovered that, amazingly, I was in Joeville! Now, I like to go back and forth from the poor excuse for an outside to Joeville, and then back again! I have to jump really, really high to get to the outside from Joeville, but I am a kitten and I can jump!

I jump so well that one day, when I was out by myself in the poor excuse for an outside, I decided to jump over the fence to see what was on the other side. The Humans came out to look for me, but I wasn't there. They went to look for me and there I was, in the neighbors' backyard. All I wanted to do was to visit! And I still want to visit! The nice humans next door even said I could visit whenever I wanted! So I keep trying.

Fedder Ting

But my favorite prey is the fedder tingThe humans say the fedder ting is a couple feathers attached to a string on a stick. The fedder ting flies around when the Human Dad makes it go, and I leap up and down trying to get it. I also love to roll around on my back and attack it as it flies by. The humans seem to find it amusing.